Downward Spiral
by Eliza4892
Summary: Takes place directly after 3x15 Left Behind. Kate manages to ruin every chance she gets, and this is no exception.


Kate watches them the whole way back.

They pick up on it, she can tell because Juliet catches her gaze every now and then, and Jack gave her a subtly reassuring nod once, as they stopped for water, as if to say 'it's okay'.

She can't help it. No amount of reassurance from him is going to stop her from noticing the way he smiles as she says something only he can hear. Or the way the brush against each other, walking side by side, leading them back to camp. To say she's not jealous would be a lie.

It helps that Sayid stares at them too. The difference in motives is irrelevant to the outside observer. He's watching her to make sure she doesn't try anything. Kate's watching her to try and deduce just how close she is to Jack.

"I don't trust her," Sayid tells her, in a low tone, as the pair up ahead of them remain oblivious.

Kate watches as Jack looks at a cut Juliet must've acquired on their way back to the others camp in much the same fashion as he'd inspected her scrapes what seemed like a million years ago. Juliet smiles, and bats his hands away, her lips forming an 'I'm fine'.

"Neither do I," she says.

---

They make camp that night. They've still got several miles before hitting camp and no torches combined with failing daylight makes them all the more likely to get lost.

Sayid goes to look for firewood, and takes Juliet along with him, nodding to Kate as he left. He wants her to feel Jack out. That's exactly what she plans on doing, with or without the added encouragement.

"Why do you think they left her behind?" Kate asks, handing him a full water bottle to compensate for his now empty one, and sitting down next to him.

"They must not need her anymore if they were going to let her go with me." He replies with a shrug. Jack doesn't look at her when he says and no matter how many times she says she's sorry it's not going to be enough. She's accepted that.

"And you really think it's a good idea to bring her back with us?" This probably isn't the best way to go about having this conversation, but it is _a _way. "Whether or not they need her now, she still held us captive like all the others. She's still just as responsible."

"They left her behind, Kate. That makes her all the more likely to go against them. No one wants to be abandoned by their own people." He glances at her briefly, and whatever he was trying to say she missed it, but she's pretty sure it was important.

---

When they get back to camp in the morning the survivors only see Jack.

Hurley gives her a pat on the back, and she gets a relieved smile from Sun but everyone else seems stuck on the fact that their leader, their doctor, their rock, is back.

She sees Sawyer standing apart from the crowd and she goes to him with only slight hesitation. They hadn't parted on the best terms. Technically they hadn't parted at all. But the look on his face only says he's glad to see her, and it makes her throw her arms around his neck in an embrace, waiting for his arms to encircle her small frame, holding her tightly to him, before relaxing into him, letting the exhaustion overwhelm her. There, for those moments, she can forget about how screwed up things have become.

Conveniently, Sawyer pulls back only to point out the blonde standing at the edge of the crowd, unnoticed until now.

---

"Why'd you bring her back?" Sawyer asks the next day. They're sitting in his open tent because she doesn't feel like being alone right now and he's never been much of a doer around camp. He half reads, half watches her watch Jack. She only feels a brief tinge of guilt but in her estimations he's probably already figured out things would be different between them with Jack back in the mix.

"They left her behind; didn't need her anymore," she echoes Jack's words because she doesn't really have an answer to his question short of telling him that Juliet's got some bond with Jack that prevented him from leaving her behind. She doesn't want to think about that. "We could use her knowledge."

Sawyer studies her and she rips her gaze away from Jack and Juliet in time to see the pointed gaze he's giving her as he says, "Doc seems pretty chummy with her, don't he?"

And just like when he posed the same question to her last time, about a different newcomer that had somehow worked her way underneath Jack's skin, she can't look at him because she knows he's right and she doesn't know what to do about it.

---

"We need to get some answers out of her," Sayid says, coming up from behind her as she chops up fruit that same day.

"I spent the better part of twenty-four hours handcuffed to her and I got less than nothing other than a bunch of 'I don't know's' and a way to get past the pylons. So obviously my tactics aren't any good with her." She replies, thinking that she really would rather not ever spend that much quality time with that woman again. "Why, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking perhaps I should try my own methods of getting her to talk." Sayid responds.

It makes her look up at him, and nearly miss her finger with the knife. "What are you going to do? Torture her?"

"Not necessarily." It's the fact that he doesn't dismiss it entirely that worries her. There's apprehension in her eyes and she knows he sees it because he adds, "There are other ways to make her communicate."

"Just don't do anything you're going to regret," she warns. Kate may dislike the woman, she may not trust her, but she doesn't think it would benefit anyone involved if Sayid decides to use force to get what he wants. "We don't need you going off into the jungle again. Not with Locke gone and the camp in total chaos as is. Jack can't handle this on his own."

"There would be nothing to regret." There's a sort of deadly intensity in his voice as he says it, a constant reminder that the man next to her was not one you wanted to cross if you could help it. "She is still the enemy, Kate. She still held you, Jack and Sawyer captive. I have no loyalties to her."

She looks away, then, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I believe you and I are on the same side. You don't trust her just as much as I don't. Whether it's instinctual or something else is a different matter." She nods, glad that at least someone thinks she has a level head on her shoulders. Even if he's only giving her the benefit of the doubt. "I also need you to keep Jack occupied for an hour or so while I deal with her. They're too close for him not to notice her absence."

Kate nods at that too, swallowing hard as she muses that Jack sure as hell doesn't seem to notice that she isn't with him now.

---

"What's up?"

It's an odd question, at an odd time, and she doesn't quite understand what he's asking her here. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that your tent is fine structurally and I know you know that." She looks down, caught in her lie. She'd told him that the rain came in and the wind made it unstable. Bad lies but she had run out of ideas. "So what are you really after here?"

Now or never. She licks her lips nervously, taking a small step forward, closer to him. "I'm sorry," she tells him and she knows she's beginning to repeat herself.

"We've been through this already Kate – " he starts but she cuts him off.

"I'm not talking about the boat Jack," she says and it catches his attention. "Juliet told me there were cameras. She told me what you saw." He looks away from her and her eyes burn as her voice wavers. "I made a mistake. And I am so sorry."

"Can we not – " he begins, stepping in before she can really get started making explanations and excuses. "Can we not do this right now."

She looks at him, at the hurt on his face, displayed as clearly as day, and realizes for the first time that he might not forgive her.

---

"I don't think I can cover for you anymore. I don't think I can distract him again." She says when Sayid gets back.

"And why is that?" Sayid asks, curious as always.

"Because we may not trust her," her eyes find the duo, "but he doesn't trust me."

---

"You two on the outs again?" Sawyer always starts things with questions lately.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kate replies, flipping through an old magazine she found where it appears they're keeping all the books and magazines. It's a glossy issue of Cosmopolitan, and she realizes with some sadness that it's probably Shannon's. She wants him to just let it go, which he should because for the life of her she doesn't know why he'd even bother bringing it up. He's one masochistic son of a bitch sometimes.

"The hell you don't." He responds, catching her in the lie. She's usually relatively aware that he sees right through her but he rarely voices it. She wonders if that means something is up.

"Just drop it Sawyer." She orders, snappily, not willing to have this conversation with him.

---

She kisses him.

It's spur of the moment, and stupid, but she does it anyway. She's always held back – she's never the one to make the first move – but that got her nowhere before and she's feeling spontaneous.

"What was that for?" Sawyer asks, and it's the same question he asked the last time, when they were in his cage and she was scared and willing to do anything to make the fear go away for just a little while. It's not comfort she's after now.

She doesn't answer because she still doesn't know, and that doesn't bear repeating.

---

Juliet doesn't stay lonely long. Sooner or later Jack always shows up. It's the same cycle that she used to be a part of. He's found a replacement it seems, and it makes her stomach turn because she doesn't understand why.

---

"What did you find out about her?" She asks Sayid, and he frowns at her. "When you took her out into the jungle. What did she tell you?"

"That she had accepted a job offer in Portland which turned out to actually be a scam to put her out here. She's a fertility doctor in Miami. And for the past three years she's been held here against her will with their leader's promise that she could return eventually." He recites and she knows he's cutting out parts, and only giving her the very basic information. "Why are you so curious about her?"

"I just don't trust her." Kate replies, taking a bite out of the fruit in her hand, chewing slowly, and then looking over at him as she swallows. "Do you?"

Sayid sighs, and rocks back just a bit. "No, Kate, I don't trust anyone here. But not for the reasons you are looking for. You want a reason to tell Jack to extricate himself from her, and I can't give you one."

There's nothing she can say to that. He has her number and he's called her out on it.

---

She catches him off guard in the jungle the second time. He's chopping wood, stopped to take a break, and her lips are on his before he really knows all of what's happening. It only takes a second for him to react however.

Kissing progresses to something else and he's got her pressed into the tree, one leg slung around his waist, as he thrusts into her. It's rough and animalistic like the last time, and it's only like that because she pushes him. He wants to go slower she can tell. He wants it to mean something.

She's just trying to convince herself that she's still worth something. That someone still loves her and some thing's never change.

Later as she disentangles herself from him and puts her clothes back on, ready to leave, he asks, "So that's how it's going to be?"

"There is no other way," she tells him, because she doesn't know how to stick around and be with this man know that she knows he isn't what she wants. He's just someone who played a part in of a set of actions that are keeping her from the one she does want. And she's just gone and done it again.

---

"Why won't you give me another chance Jack?"

He frowns, like he wonders why she hasn't just moved on herself. "I already gave you a second chance. And a third, and a fourth."

The unsaid there is that she blew them all in succession trying to fix the damage done by the previous ones.

---

The third time she kisses him he pulls back.

"What are you doing?" She's not sure what signs she's missed, but he's the last person she thought would try and put a stop to this.

"I'm not gonna be a part of this." He informs her, and he backs up a few inches so that he's just barely in arms reach.

"What are you talking about? A part of what?"

He actually rolls his eyes. "This master plan to get back at Jack or whatever the hell you're trying to accomplish here."

It's instinct that makes her attempt to defend herself, "I'm not trying to – "

"It's too damn late for that Freckles. Game's over. I'm done." He shakes his head. "I love you, Kate. But this isn't worth it."

It's him that walks away this time.

---

Apparently some thing's (people, feelings, tolerances and attitudes) do change.

---

She's helping Sun and Jun with the fish when she sees Sawyer come up behind Jack and whisper something to him that makes him turn and his eyes darken.

They exchange words for a few seconds more and then Sawyer walks off. She watches Jack hang his head before glancing up and locking eyes with her, like he knew she would be watching. There's both understanding and disgust in his face and she closes her eyes so she doesn't have to look at him any longer.

---

Sayid takes pity on her and every now and then he'll stop by and try to make small talk. She appreciates the gesture but he's not very good at it and it's not what she's looking for.

Kate needs more than conversation to bring her out of this.

---

She comes to him in the night.

He's not sleeping instead opting to analyze that map he retrieved from Mikhail. Kate doesn't know what he's looking for and she doesn't ask, just sits down in the sand next to him.

"Is there something you need?" He questions, glancing up from the map. She likes that he pays full attention to the person he's talking to instead of attempting to multitask. No one does that here; people always seem so rushed nowadays. Jack was the only other one who ever did that.

That's when she leans over to catch his lips. It's tentative as she tries to feel him out. She wants to know before she goes any farther if he'll allow this. She's about to stop, about to pull away and make some excuse but she feels him start to kiss her back.

Consequences be damned she thinks as she pushes him back onto the ground, breaking the kiss so she can straddle him, working the zipper of his pants down, meeting his eyes in the dark as she does. They aren't hazy or lust-filled, but rather clear. It's startling almost. He's knows where he is, and who he's with, and he's fine with it.

That's more than she can say for herself.

---

"This isn't – " she starts, later, as she lays next to him, not all that concerned about leaving. She's comfortable right where she is, and he hasn't left but he isn't holding her either. He's giving her the space she needs. She wants to tell him that this isn't going to be some kind of relationship, not what he had with Shannon anyway. She's confused and upset and she doesn't know who or what she wants anymore.

But he doesn't let her. "I am many things Kate, but I am not a fool." He sighs, and she can feel his eyes flick over to her, even though she can't see it through closed eyelids. "This is a distraction."

She falls asleep not long after, safe in the knowledge that he doesn't expect anything more from her.

---

Claire gets sick and Jack can't explain the symptoms. Charlie hovers and chases Jack around, telling him he has to fix it and half the time it looks like Jack just wants to knock the man unconscious.

"What can I do?" Kate asks, because he may be mad at her but that's not going to stop her from offering her help. This isn't about them, it's about Claire.

Still, he shakes his head, "There's nothing you can do." Solemnly, he looks to Claire's tent before fixating on the unstable ground beneath his feet. "I don't even think there's anything I can do."

He's down, and she's used to trying to bring him back from it, she's used to trying to save him from himself. But he wouldn't let her even if she wanted to and so she doesn't even try.

---

"Get out!"

It's the words she wakes up to one morning. They aren't aimed at her, or anyone near her but they still cause her eyes to snap open, and she rises, heading towards them to see what's going on.

Sawyer meets her outside, and from the look on his face he knows what's going on.

"Is that Jack?" She has to ask, because she isn't used to hearing Jack sound so angry, so venomous, and she can't see him anywhere along the beach.

"Yeah," Sawyer replies, and when she follows his gaze she can make out Juliet running off into the jungle, and Jack coming out of what she knows is Claire's tent. "He found her in there with Claire and a syringe."

They don't see Juliet again after that, and it's probably a good thing because Jack isn't a murderer but he's protective of his people all the same, and Juliet's just made all that Kate's ever done to him look like nothing.

---

"I'm surprised you're not with him now that Juliet is out of the picture."

She pulls her top back on, and presses her lips together. "It's too early for that."

---

Jack has the most atrocious timing in the world.

That's the only way that she can explain why he walked in on her and Sayid in a very compromising position.

---

She rushes to pull her clothes on, and shoots Sayid an apologetic look before she chases after Jack.

"It's not what it looks like Jack." And that's really the stupidest thing she could think of to say but she's not exactly thinking about her things like words right now.

"Really?" He asks, neither slowing down nor turning around. "I can't wait to see how you're going to spin this one."

She frowns. "Excuse me."

"You know if you were looking for another chance you had one." He stops then, and there's so much anger and betrayal in his eyes that has to look away from him. "I don't know why I'm so surprised that you blew that too."

He doesn't wait for her to defend herself, he just leaves.

---

"What did you say to him?"

"Pardon," Sawyer says, looking up from his book, squinting against the sunlight.

"What did you say to Jack? I saw you whisper something to him on the beach a few weeks ago and whatever it was it pissed him off. And I want to know what it was." Kate tells him, because if it was bugging her before, then she doesn't know how to describe how it irks her now.

"Told him I was tired of this whole use and abuse thing you'd been pulling and that maybe it was best that you two make amends before you brought anyone else onto this merry-go-round of knives. Bet he wishes he'd listened a little more closely now."

---

"I can't do this anymore." She begins, on another one of her near nightly visits, although this one is the last and it's for different reasons. Sayid looks at her like he knew this was coming. "I had no right to bring you into this mess. I'm sorry."

"I knew what I was getting into." He replies, as if he wants to alleviate some of the guilt she's feeling.

She wonders how he could have known when even she didn't. Then again he always was wiser than she could ever be.

---

In the end, this (heartbreak, anger, disappointment) is really all her fault.


End file.
